LISTMANIA! 2006 - The Year's Best Albums, Part Two

15. Silversun Pickups – Carnavas
This is definitely the best Smashing Pumpkins album since Siamese Dream.
Key tracks: "Lazy Eye," "Little Lover So Polite," "Well Thought Out Twinkles"


14. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Show Your Bones
I've had a fair amount of fun at Karen O's expense, basically making her the scapegoat when I complain that the YYYs no longer rock all that much. And, let's face it, they don't. Luckily, the lack of yelping, screaming energy has been counterbalanced by complex textures, solid, subdued riffs from Nick Zinner, and Brian Chase's increasing virtuosity on drums. Sacrilegious as it may be, I'm beginning to suspect that Karen O is the trio's weak link.
Key Tracks: "Cheated Hearts," "Gold Lion," "Turn Into"


13. Mastodon – Blood Mountain
Yeah. So this album is about bigfoot and blood and curses and destruction. Also, it makes me want to break stuff. And drive really, really fast. Other reviews have extolled their formidable musicianship and use of shifting time signatures and tempos. That stuff is cool, too. However, I would like to point out that this album's true contribution to the metal genre is its ability to rule your tiny world with the immensity of its rocking. Try to imagine the sound of Thor's hammer destroying your local Guitar Center while your family is burned at the stake my marauding frost giants. Awesome, right?
Key Tracks: "Crystal Skull," Circle of Cysquatch"


12. Hot Chip – The Warning
One of the guys in this band wears a pink hoodie sweatshirt with a picture of a hot dog on it.
Key Tracks: "No Fit State," "I Was a Boy from School," "Over and Over"


11. Clipse – Hell Hath No Fury
"Cocaine rap" is its own subgenre. It's this year's sizzurp, I suppose. Anyway, Clipse stands heads and shoulders above the rest for two reasons: 1) The percussion effects and beats in each track eschew tired old breakbeats and soul samples in favor of something far more sinister... it just sounds new. 2) They're simultaneously funny and scary as hell without resorting to a bunch of ridiculous "cap in yo ass" bullshit.
Key Tracks: "Mr. Me Too," Hello New World," "Dirty Money"


10. The Black Angels – The Black Angels
How does a band so clearly indebted to The Doors and The Velvet Underground sound so morose? Oh. Right. Long live fuzzboxes and electric sitar!
Key Tracks: "Bloodhounds on My Trail," "Black Grease," "Young Men Dead"


9. Jarvis Cocker – Jarvis
Hey Morrissey! You're not the best lyricist in England anymore, you old queen! Just kiddin, Mozzy... I still love you best. But Jarvis definitely won the head-to-head with Moz's Ringleader of the Tormentors. And no wonder... you'd have to be pretty brash with song titles like "Cunts Are Still Running the World" and "From Auschwitz to Ipswich," and Jarvis is more than up to the task. This is one of those albums that make you want to write the lyrics on your Trapper Keeper so the girls in theater will think you're profound. The state of the world, relationships, getting mugged... no subject is too grand or too mundane for Jarvis Cocker to take the piss. "The cream will always/rise up to the top/well I say/'shit floats'" Too fucking right. (A disclaimer: Had I known "Still Running the World" had already been released as a single in England, it would have been in my top five singles of the year.)
Key Tracks: "Cunts Are Still Running the World," "Don't Let Him Waste Your Time," "From Auschwitz to Ipswich"


8. Yo La Tengo – I Am Not Afraid Of You and I Will Beat Your Ass
I had hoped to avoid placing this album so high on the list. In fact, I feel compelled to mention that I did not care for their last album. It's just important that everyone understand that this isn't one of those "YLT released an album so all the music geeks are required to piss themselves over what geniuses they are again" scenarios. Believe me, I was shocked that this album was any good. But the bottom line is, this is their best work since I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One. It's got big, crazy instrumentals, funny little songs, humor, feedback. It's just... fucking good.
Key Tracks: "Pass The Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind," "The Race Is On Again," "I Should Have Known Better"


7. Sonic Youth – Rather Ripped
Heh. See above. It was a great year for the indie rock dinosaurs.
Key Tracks: "Jams Run Free," "Turquoise Boy," "Reena"


6. The Raconteurs – Broken Boy Soldiers
I'm not entirely sure why no one is taking this album seriously. Really, indie rockers, just admit it... you're afraid to get behind fun music, aren't you? I mean, in a world where bloggers practically shit themselves over Animal Collective, the Raconteurs are just too, y'know, solid. There's all kinds of melody and riffs and solos. Ooooh. Well I'm a big dumb rock 'n' roll fan, and this album is a goddamn gem.
Key Tracks: "Store Bought Bones," "Steady As She Goes," "Together"


5. Islands – Return to the Sea
When The Unicorns broke up, goofy, quirky pop music took a serious step backward. For like two months. Then half the band formed Islands, and all was well with the world. Now, with half the quirk and double the melody, Return to the Sea delivers some of the most fractured lullabies of the year. This my "I wish I smoked pot" album of the year.
Key Tracks: "Swans (Life after Death)," "Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby," "Rough Gem"


4. Love Is All – 9 Times That Same Song
Proving that (for rock music at least) originality is an overrated quality, Love Is All came out of nowhere with a mindbending pastiche of X-Ray Spex, Au Pairs, Bow Wow Wow, Delta 5, and any other legendary, female-fronted British postpunk act you can think of. I was so distracted by the album's precursors, it took me 10 listens to realize what great music this is. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.
Key Tracks: "Talk Talk Talk Talk," "Turn the Radio Off," "Make Out Fall Out Make Up"


3. Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
Hype? What hype? Band gets a lot of publicity for being good. Everyone decides bands getting publicity makes bands bad. Everyone hates on band. Riddle me this, Batman: Did anyone bother to keep listening to the album? Or listen to it the first time? These guys are like twelve years old and they made the most exciting British album of the year.
Key Tracks: "A Certain Romance," "Fake Tales of San Francisco," "Dancing Shoes"


2. Ghostface Killah – Fishscale
Best storyteller in hip-hop today. Period. Why? Because he doesn't just tell the story... he surrounds it with all the pop-culture detritus and meaningless details that surround us all. Ghostface doesn't just tell you about a drug deal gone bad. He tells you what was on the TV and what color the wallpaper was. He tells you what the thugs were talking about before the cops kicked the door in. And even the samples mean something. You could spend a week peeling the layers from each record. Complexity without pretention, hilarious stream of consciousness, impeccable flow, and slick fucking beats... isn't that the very essence of hip-hop?
Key Tracks: "Kilo," "Shakey Dog," "Whip You with a Strap"


1. Band of Horses – Everything All The Time
Ah reverb. So much delicious reverb. My proclivity for big, soaring guitar sounds is well documented. Well, here we go again. Huge, soaring, beautiful songs, all fed through delays and reverbs. So instead of your favorite album, it's like listening to your favorite album twice at the same time. Put another way, whoever engineered this album made the songs completely envelop the listener. And did you ever listen to an album so constantly that you become convinced you were going to get sick of it... and it just kept sounding fresh? The melodies, the solos... everything just seems as familiar as your face, but never gets tired. And then there's Ben Bridwell's voice. Imagine all the good things about My Morning Jacket's Jim James and The Shins' James Russell Mercer, only smoother on the high notes and with better octive range. And it has the most unexpectedly arresting opening track since Interpol's Turn On the Bright Lights. Anyway, gush gush ooh ahh. Just buy the fucker.
Key Tracks: "Funeral," "The First Song," "The Great Salt Lake," "Wicked Gil"

LISTMANIA! 2006 - The Top 35 Albums of the Year, Part I

Why 35? Well, I didn't really love 36-40, that's why. I mean, if you're compiling the favorite albums of 15 different reviewers, a top-50 list isn't such a daunting idea. If however, you're one guy with a non-industry day job who also enjoys television, movies, eating, sleeping, etc.... how many albums can you really appreciate in a year? More importantly, what's the deal with these lists in the first place? Here's an experiment you can try at home. Assuming you're the kind of obsessive, anal-retentive person who actually writes down "best of" lists, take a look at some of your past choices. How many of those albums do you really go back and listen to more than once or twice per year? Chances are, not many.

The point, I guess, is this: there's a fairly big difference between the better albums in a given year, and those that will penetrate your heart and mind over the long haul. Bottom line is, you never can tell. Critics spend way more time being "wrong" than they do being "right," but it's all a moot point in the end. (I mean because it's ultimately a matter of opinion... not because we're all going to die someday.) So why bother? Two reasons, I guess. The primary motivation behind this yearly ritual is the genuine hope that some of you will rush out and purchase one or two of these, and that you will enjoy your purchases. Simple enough. The second reason is more complicated, and it involves the fundamentally self-obsessed impulse at the heart of all criticism (and, more immediately, at the heart of blogging in general). Let's face it, there's a real "look how smart I am" (okay, "look how smart I think I am") aspect to the whole thing. Who really gives a shit what some twat with a cable modem, too much time on his hands, and a lofty opinion of...his own opinions thinks? Well, you're reading this, so I guess you do. But you see my point.

Aaaanyway, assuming you made it past the long-winded impromptu essay...

Here are albums 35 through 16...

35. The Big Sleep – Son of the Tiger
Once you get past the overblown opening track, this bombastic three-piece will proceed to rock you with great abandon. Also, the bassist looks exactly like Geddy Lee. Too bad she's a she.

34. The Knife - Silent Shout
I wish I could take credit for the best live-show description of the year: "Blue Man Group for hipsters." (Both Caleb and Kim came up with that.) Yes, The Knife has made the transition from fun, house-inflected music to a more blatantly European, Sprockets-inflected sound, but that's not all bad. Despite the fact that they have produced the ultimate soundtrack for your asymmetrical haircut, there's something deeply entertaining about their utter weirdness.

33. Cat Power – The Greatest
It's another Cat Power album. Call me when she makes a bad one.

32. Film School – Film School
These guys broke up this year, which is a total bummer. One of the vanguard bands (along with Asobi Seksu, Serena Maneesh, etc.) in the triumphant 2007 resurgence of shoegaze. "He's a Deep Lake" was probably my favorite non-single track of the year.

31. Beck – The Information
Beck. See Cat Power above.

30. Robert Pollard – From a Compound Eye
As with any Bob Pollard project, a lot of this album is not so great. But the good songs kick the crap out of anything else around.
"Love Is Stronger than Witchcraft" (mp3)

29. Built to Spill – You In Reverse
Okay, so this was a disappointment. But that's only because I had such high hopes. "Goin' Against Your Mind" was one of the best opening tracks of the year, too.

28. TV On The Radio – Return To Cookie Mountain
The more I listen to this, the more I love it. So maybe this will be my favorite album of 2008.
"Province" (mp3)

27. The Rapture – Pieces of the People We Love
I'm not sure if this album was loathed, ignored, or doomed by some subtle form of punk-funk backlash. Were they blatantly trying to cash in on the dance-floor success of "House of Jealous Lovers?" Yes. Definitely. But what's wrong with an entire album of can-shaking indie-dance rollerskating jams? Have you checked for a pulse lately? Who outlawed fun? Answer: Pitchfork did.

26. Boris – Pink
Art-damaged Japanese dudes with a hard-on for stoner metal? Where do I sign?

25. The Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics
The mellowest Lips album ever. Wayne's definitely going soft in his old age, but I like their hippie-dad-who-gets-you-stoned vibe.

24. The Walkmen – A Hundred Miles Off
Okay, if I'm being all "objective," this album wasn't exactly shit-hot. Hamilton Leithauser is falling in love with his own crooning, and his occasional Dylan impressions are downright irritating. Also, Matt Barrick is one of the best drummers around. Can you please let the guy go off from time to time? So why is it up here? Many of the songs are great, and I still love this band too much for them to appear any lower. A sentimental pick.

23. Scott Walker – The Drift
Without question, the most insidiously twisted "mainstream" album of the last decade. Not that this is mainstream by any stretch of the imagination. The Drift is so disturbed and avant-garde it makes Boris and The Knife look like The Monkees and the fucking Partridge Family. One song features a percussion track consisting of sticks hitting a slab of meat. I am not making this up. I can't really explain why I like this album so much. In part it's the consistency of Walker's vision. There are no aimless, meandering soundscapes, there's no ridiculous goth posturing, and despite the high warble of his voice, there are no trips into dramatic self-parody. You get the distinct impression that you are traveling into a genuine maelstrom of despair. Trust me, it's well worth it.
"A Lover Loves" (mp3)

22. Wolfmother – Wolfmother
...and then at the opposite end of the spectrum you have Wolfmother. This airbrushed, Sabbath-nicking slab of 1970s nostalgia would be pure kitsch if it weren't for good ol' guitar chops. I don't need originality. Hell, I'm a rock 'n' roll fan; originality has no place in rock 'n' roll! And these Aussie freaks rock the hell out. (Plus, best album cover of the year.)

21. Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out Of This Country
Ever have a crush on a shy, bookish indie girl who wore horn-rimmed glasses and cardigan sweaters? Well if she was a band, she would be Camera Obscura. Luckily, there's way more to this other literate Scottish band than twee vocals and wallflower melodies. Tracyanne Campbell's lyrics are every bit as scathing as they are adorable.

20. Joanna Newsom - Ys
Okay, Joni Mitchell meets Bjork meets Kate Bush meets Fairport Connection. Only with lots and lots of harp. And Van Dyke Parks adds a ton of lush string arrangements and his trademark goofy sonic flourishes. Seriously, that album cover says it all. When the woodsprites gather to drink pixie piss out of buttercups, this is what they rock out to.

19. The Pipettes – We Are The Pipettes
Three really hot ladies make an album of diabetes-inducing '60s girl pop. They have great voices and the hooks are flawless. I don't know what else there is to say.

18. Midlake - The Trials of Van Occupanther
Planning on a road trip through flowing, golden fields anytime soon? Well here's your soundtrack. A lovely slice of 1970s FM radio, only weirder and sadder.

17. The Futureheads – News and Tributes
You may have heard by now... I love this band, and their continued (semi)obscurity puzzles and enrages me. Like quirky tempos? Four-part harmonies? Staccato beats and chiming guitars? Like early Gang of Four and XTC? Then buy their albums so I can get some sleep!

16. Belle & Sebastian - The Life Pursuit
B&S's "reputation" as miserablists in the Morrissey tradition was never deserved in the first place, but who knew they had such a party album up their sleeves?? Jesus Christ, it seems like every other song has the word "sunshine" in the title.
"We Are the Sleepyheads" (mp3)

LISTMANIA! 2006 - The Top 25 Singles of the Year

Greetings, and welcome to the fifth(?!) annual installment of LISTMANIA! I'll leave out the whole "year in review vibe" for now... Next week (fingers crossed) is the main course. Albums, live shows, etc. This is just the appetizer. But right now it's late and I have to go to the bathroom. Enjoy!

25. Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”
This was a tough one, really. The song's appeal was surpassed only by its ubiquity, which almost pushed it out of the top 25 altogether. Unlike a certain other semi-leftfield single by a brashly experimental mainstream hip-hop act (Oh think about it!), "Crazy" doesn't hold up terribly well past listen 23,456. Talk to me after a year of not hearing it every day...

24. The Gossip – “Listen Up!” (mp3)
What's better than white-girl soul over sweet punk-funk hooks? Fat-white-girl soul over sweet punk-funk hooks!

23. Flaming Lips – “The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song”

22. Justin Timberlake – “Sexy Back”
What? What?? Hey, I don't know about you, but I missed the sexy. And JT brought it back. Thanks, JT.

21. TV on the Radio – “Wolf Like Me”
I'd be so much cooler if I liked these guys more.

20. Hot Chip – “I Was a Boy from School”

19. Young Jeezy feat. Timbaland – “3 A.M.” (mp3)
"I'm on that Grey Goose/Higher than a pelican/Sophomore year/But I spit like a veteran"
Higher than a pelican? Uh... ooookaaay. Plus Timba lays in a fantastic ascending synth note throughout. Reports of his irrelevance have been greatly exaggerated.

18. Robert Pollard – “Love Is Stronger than Witchcraft”
Bob is profound.

17. Arctic Monkeys – “When the Sun Goes Down”
For anyone who claims the Monkeys were the recipients of the most undeserved internet hype this year, I refer you to their actual music. It is good. The end. (Also, the interwebs' biggest WTF overhype of the year was undoubtedly Lily Allen. And if you just said, "Who's the hell is Lily Allen?"... God bless you.)

16. New Young Pony Club – “Ice Cream” (mp3)

15. LCD Soundsystem – “45:33”
Coming in at just over 45 minutes, most would call James Murphy's extended jogging soundtrack an album. But hey, it's one song... the title pretty much confirms that. So single it is, dammit. And you really should try working out to this. See you at LA Fitness, you vain indie-yuppie douchebag.

14. Mastodon – “Crystal Skull”
It was originally called "Crystal Head," but the song is such a barrage of face-melting rock that only the skull remains.

13. I’m from Barcelona – “We’re from Barcelona” (mp3)
It's a good thing most of the 37 or so people in this band are mildly funny looking in an Eastern-European kinda way. If they were all as cute as this song, life as we know it would come to a screeching halt and we would all proceed to hug each other to death.

12. Clipse – “Mr. Me Too”

11. The Raconteurs – “Steady As She Goes”
Paul Reubens (aka Peewee Herman) is in the video, too.

10. Peter Bjorn & John (feat. Victoria Bergsman) – “Young Folks” (mp3)
I can't believe Victoria Bergsman quit The Concretes. And this song is basically her making an okay song into an amazing song... like she's sticking out her tongue and blowing her cigarette smoke in our faces. She's that maddening, brilliant, totally hot girl who teased your pants in high school. Sorry... what was I talking about? Right... this is a great song.

9. The Futureheads – “Skip to the End”
We are so angular and British. La la la la la la... four-part harmonies. How is this band still so criminally underrated?

8. Ghostface Killah – “Kilo”
Confession time: I don't think this song was actually released as a single. BUT, it should have been. So it has been granted special awesomeness dispensation. "Kilo" is, far and away, the greatest song ever written about cocaine. You heard me, Grandmaster Flash! Oh wait... what about Eric Clapton, you ask? What about Jackson Browne? What about The Eagles? Tell you what: you go tell Ghostface Killah that The Eagles made a better coke song than he did. You do that, and I'll concede the point.

7. The Black Angels – “Black Grease”
If The Jesus and Mary Chain and The Doors had a massive Jack-Daniels-and-Witchcraft orgy, The Black Angels might be their unholy spawn. It's odd that a nice group of semi-hippies from Austin should make such dark music about Vietnam and death and stuff. I mean, this song's chorus is "Kill Kill Kill Kill." Seriously.

6. Camera Obscura – “Lloyd, I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken” (mp3)
Good thing there was an adorable, scathingly literate Scottish band to fill the Belle & Sebastian void on this list!!

5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Cheated Hearts”
You know Karen O is pissed that this is the second single and the best song from the new album. You know she's the one who wanted to "expand their sound" and "not get pigeonholed" and, y'know... just be as pretentious as her ex-boyfriend's band, Liars. Well guess what, Karen... "Cheated Hearts" could very easily have appeared on Fever to Tell. Sorry, dear. Sometimes "growing as a musician" is dangerously close to "not being good anymore." Now put the microphone back in your mouth and commence with the rocking.

4. Band of Horses – “The Funeral”
Prettiest song of the year. Yeah, I said "pretty." I fucking dare you to listen to this without getting all starry eyed and inspired, tough guy. This song is twinkling-stars-and-reverb-guitars majestic beauty.

3. Wolfmother – “Dimension”
There are those who consider this band a tad... kitschy. And while I would argue that Wolfmother are light years more serious than, say, The Darkness, I will admit that all the songs about unicorns and gypsies and shit can be a little much. However, anyone who has ever listened to Led Zeppelin knows that you can sing about elves and valkyries and JRR Tolkein as much as you want as long as you rock so hard that everyone pees their pants. "Dimension" is Pants-Pee Rock of the highest order.

2. Midlake - "Roscoe" (mp3)
Well somewhere between Microsoft Word and Blogger, ol' "Roscoe" done got misplaced. Oops. It's perhaps a little ironic that the confluence of human memory and modern technology should short change this track, as the song itself is steeped in nostalgia for an idyllic, preindustrial way of life. Bearing more than a passing musical resemblance to Fleetwood Mac, Midlake add just the right amount of indie weirdness to their 1970s Laurel Canyon sound to keep things interesting. This is an absolutely beautiful song. Now is it really just about some dudes building a house in the woods?

1. Hot Chip – “Over and Over”
I dunno how a bunch of dudes who look like they hang out at the British equivalent of Radio Shack managed to make one of the most soulful, groove-heavy albums of the year, but these nerds brought the fucking booty. I mean, I bought their last album, and it was pretty much the definition of "meh, whatever." Now it's 2006 and they're the only band with two songs on this list. Can you say "pact with Satan?" However it happened, this song is The One. Every year there is a magic song that makes everyone drop their drinks and run to the dance floor to jump around and rub each other... "sex-crazed and retard strong." This is the 2006 sex-crazed-and-retard-strong song. Plus there's spelling at the end, and who doesn't love spelling?

R.I.P. Peter Boyle

Quick, who played Frankenstein's monster, co-starred in a science fiction film with Sean Connery, won an Emmy for his work on The X-Files, played Hunter S. Thompson's sidekick/lawyer eighteen years before Benicio Del Toro, and had John Lennon as the best man at his wedding? If you guessed "the coolest fucking guy in the world," you were almost right. It was none other than Peter Boyle, who succumbed to heart disease and multiple myeloma yesterday.

His was a career -- and a life -- that can only be descibed as "eclectic." Boyle spent three years as a monk, for example, before moving to New York City to take up acting. His screen credits are, well, all over the place. Highlights included Young Frankenstein, The Candidate, Medium Cool, Taxi Driver, Where the Buffalo Roam, Outland, Johnny Dangerously, Malcolm X, and Monster's Ball, but he was also in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, Scooby Doo 2, and The Santa Clause 3. He made numerous TV appearances as well, including an Emmy-winning eponymous role in the great "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" episode of The X-Files (which was named the tenth-greatest television episode ever by TV Guide). Sadly, he will be remembered by most as the only good thing about Everybody Loves Raymond.

Bottom line, I was a big fan. Young Frankenstein was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Same with the criminally underrated Outland. So rest in peace, Mr. Boyle, and thanks for all the uncomfortable laughter.

From the "Pyrrhic Victory" File: We're Number One!

This just in: New York is the cocaine capital of the world. (The management aims to please. Ask for a cocaine-related post, and you'll probably get it.)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "No shit." Calling New York the blow capital is like calling Los Angeles the fake tit capital or Bayonne, New Jersey, the wasted lives capital. But a new research study by Nuremberg's Institute for Biomedical and Pharmaceutical Research (IBMP) has indicated usage of heretofore unimagined magnitude. A brief abstract:

"IBMP teams searched the Hudson River and found the by-products of a projected cocaine consumption totaling 16.4 tons per year. There are approximately 3.4 million people aged 15 to 65 living in the Hudson's watershed. According to the United Nations "World Drug Report," 2.8 percent of Americans in this age group use cocaine at least once a year. That would mean that about 95,000 people are responsible for an annual consumption of 16.4 tons of pure cocaine -- a per capita rate of 172 grams per year."

In other words, Pete Doherty and Justin Hawkins have been secretly living in New York City. Did Whitney and Bobby have a pad here, too? No wonder a brisk swim in the Hudson always leaves one feeling so invigorated.

From the "Inequities and Vicissitudes of Life" File: Pot and Anxiety

You've heard it a million times. "I used to smoke a lot of pot, but now it just makes me nervous/paranoid/freak out." Is this increasingly common complaint just a sign of advancing age? A byproduct of ever-increasing THC levels in today's marijuana? The body's last-ditch defense mechanism to maintain a bare-minimum level of brain cells? Hell, are people just more willing to admit it now because panic attacks and anxiety disorders are more socially acceptable? When did "Man I am so stoned" and "Dude I am so high" give way to "Is my heart beating too fast?" and "I can't breathe!"?

Whatever the case, it's no fun. No one wants to feel old, or anxious, or sober. Just think of what's been lost. Quincy is nowhere near as interesting as it used to be. Same with cartoons, infomercials, nature documentaries, and symbolic logic. Top Ramen is no longer edible and I would never even consider going into an Arby's. Certain things have survived the transition rather well (Star Trek, Simon & Simon, zombie movies, those kitty-shaped ginger snaps from Trader Joe's), but that's cold comfort when you've lost your passion for the Blade movies.

The worst part, by far, is music. I will say, on record and with full conviction, that great music sounds even better when you are high. Unlike ecstasy, which makes you think you enjoy shitty, repetitive music, pot simply enhances that which is already good. (Here I am reminded of a joke: Q. What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of pot? A. This music sucks!) Say what you will about marijuana and the unfortunate "culture" that made Half Baked a hit on late-night cable, pot does have one truly valuable application: there are few things better than closing your eyes, putting on headphones, and listening to great music while under the influence. (Interestingly, pot does make certain music suddenly, inexplicably unbearable. On one occasion in college I attempted to listen to Depeche Mode while high, and it was years before I could listen to them again under any circumstances.)

It is not my intention to wax rhapsodic about dope. "Dope," after all, is an apt nickname in many ways. When I stopped smoking pot, I also stopped watching The Young and the Restless. But I do miss getting quite high and listening to, say, the first Mr. Bungle album. Or the Butthole Surfers. Or Charles Mingus. Or the Minutemen. And so I give you...

Three songs that would sound even better if you were really high right now:

Can - "Mushroom" (from Tago Mago)
Miles Davis - "Will o' the Wisp" (from Sketches of Spain)
Pink Floyd - "Let There Be More Light" (from A Saucerful of Secrets) Oh come on. You knew one of them was going to be a Pink Floyd song.

A thousand apologies for the poor quality of the mp3 files, but EZArchive recently made it impossible to share high-quality audio files. Luckily for them, they saved this "upgrade" until three days after I paid them for the year.

GONE DRINKIN'

The management has departed to Miami for a long Turkey Day/birthday vacation. Have a nice holiday.

The Chair Recognizes the Delegate From New York's 19th District

Yes, it's true. One of these dudes narrowly defeated Republican incumbent Sue Kelley in upstate New York's 19th Congressional district. John Hall (not to be confused with the equally sexysuave Darryl Hall or John Oates) of Yacht Rock stalwarts Orleans proved that Kelley was not "Still the One" to hold the distict's congressional seat. See if you can figure out which one he is, because theay all look the same behind all that facial hair (and the thick fog of homoeroticism)...


Based on that album cover, I'd say they were a fairly close-knit group. I wonder if the other guys in the band will get to work on his staff. Wow. That may have been the greatest unintentionally hilarious sentence of all time. [Thanks to our Legal Counsel for the scoop]

Today Pitchfork's "Get That Out of Your Mouth" column asks the question, "With music moving so fast and words becoming so cheap, have we reached the end days of criticism?" Well I didn't read the article, but it seems clear that the answer is "Yes." So Pitchfork should probably just do us all a favor and shut the fuck down.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince are getting back together. Now if only Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam would answer our prayers and get back into the studio! [Thanks to Kim T.A.G.]

If this goes back on the market, it's gonna get real easy to score in Williamsburg and Silverlake.

Finally, as if the Halloween comedown wasn't bad enough, some incredibly bored physicist who wants to coax his daughter out of her goth phase has devised a mathematical proof of the impossibility of vampires. Two observations: 1. So I assume this guy already has tenure. 2. His proof doesn't work on the Anne Rice version of vampirism, in which the vampires only "turn" those whom they consider Euro-trashy enough to join their puffy-sleeved ranks.

Food Fight

What? I've been busy, all right? Work blows. CMJ was crazy. Four shows in four days (The Knife @ Webster hall; Hot Chip @ Webster Hall; Black Angels @ Nokia Theater; and The Big Sleep and Silversun Pickups at the "Brooklyn Vegan Free Day")! And last night was Les Savy Fav playing a special show right here at the management's day job. Too much of a good thing? You're damn skippy. What's got two thumbs and needs a vacation? *THIS GUY!*

So who's hungry? It's lunchtime around these parts, so I was inspired to look for songs about tasty treats. Granted, the cupboard is relatively bare on my work hard drive, but a trend was apparent nonetheless. With the exception of fruit, no one writes songs about healthy foods. Most songs are about cherries, cookies, hamburgers, ice cream, or candy. Naturally, "cherry" and "candy" tend to operate as shortbus metaphors for "vagina," "sex," and "penis." (Somewhat disturbingly, ice cream tends to act as a sexual image as well. I dunno... there's just something off about incorporating dairy into your sexy talk. It's like incorporating dairy into your cocktails: It happens [see Caucasians], but it should generally be avoided [see Car Bombs].) Burgers and cookies get a less lascivious treatment. I guess there aren't songs with titles like "I Want Wheat Germ," "Tofushake," and "Carob City" because deep down even the goddamn hippies know that healthy foods are, well...profoundly unsatisfying.

**THE MONDAY MIXTAPE ASSOCIATED WITH THE ABOVE INTRO AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, BECAUSE THE NEW EZARCHIVE SUCKS DONKEY COCKS**

Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

No, the EZArchive fiasco hasn't totally killed the will to blog. But the day job has come pretty close.

Anyhoo, tonight is night three of my CMJ concert-a-thon. Wednesday was The Knife at Webster Hall. Thursday was Hot Chip at Webster Hall. And tonight is the Black Angels (opening for the Black Keys, who we will skip) at the Nokia Theater. Rock star alert! Stay tuned on Monday for one-sentence capsule reviews. And maybe, just maybe, Monday Mixtape action.

Back on Track(s)

Well EZArchive v.3.0 is finally up and running, so stay tuned for another edition of the Monday Mixtape! *sigh* Never mind.

Yes, We Have No Bananas Today

EZArchive has moved to a new version, requiring users to re-host all stored files. What this means for you: no mp3 downloads from *bitter defeat* until the management figures out the stupid new interface and finds a way to get to the new file locations. So hold fast and steady, y'all... free music will be back up ASAP, assuming EZArchive hasn't completely screwed the pooch.

Your Insipid "Monday" Joke Here

Vacation in San Francisco (which included trips to Amoeba records on both sides of the bay and Yo La Tengo at the Fillmore) meant no Monday Mixtape this week.

More Halloween-themed mayhem to come, I'm sure, but here's a lovely track to hold you over until next week.

My Bloody Valentine covering (maybe) my favorite Wire song.

My Bloody Valentine - "Map Ref 41N 93W"

[Buy the Whore: Tribute to Wire compilation]

Monday Mixtape: The Halloween Edition

Welcome to a special Halloween edition of the Monday Mixtape! Sure, the day before Halloween proper is a Monday, but this gives you plenty of time to get in the mood/download and create your own holiday mix. Besides, I'll probably just supply you with more hellish mayhem on the 30th.

So here you go. Try not to pee your pants.

Harry Manfredini - Friday the 13th theme
"Dying tickles."
Ministry - "Every Day Is Halloween"
John Carpenter - Halloween theme
AC/DC - "Hells Bells"
Mötley Crüe - "Shout at the Devil"
B-52s - "Devil in My Car"
"I heard a Frankenstein lives there!"
Rockwell - "Somebody's Watching Me"
Sprites - "George Romero"
Nine Inch Nails - "Dead Souls" (Joy Division cover)
Dead Moon - "Dead Moon Night"
Robert Cobert - Dark Shadows theme
The Fall - "Live at the Witch Trials" (intro)
Slayer - "Angel of Death"
Charles Bernstein - A Nightmare on Elm Street theme
Angelo Badalamenti - "Laura Palmer's Theme" (from Twin Peaks)
Bobby "Boris" Pickett - "The Monster Mash" (low-quality MP3)

Whew... okay, that's a lot of tracks. Assuming you haven't had enough already, the 2001 WFMU Halloween mix is unparallelled; a fantastic mix of scary and funny. You can also download an expurgated audio performance of Dracula, featuring voice work by Orson Welles, at paul's ramblings.

Paraskevidekatriaphobia, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love an Undead Homicidal Hockey Enthusiast

Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. It is not to be confused with triskaidekaphobia, which is the fear of the number 13 itself. (Check out the Wikipedia entry on "Black Friday" for some genuinely fascinating stuff, including a chart of upcoming occurrences.) Fear of Friday the 13th seems a little retarded, but fear of Friday the 13th makes perfect, rational sense... because those movies rule most excellently. Okay, some of them do. As October is always Halloween month here at *bitter defeat*, and as we won't have another October Black Friday until 2017, it seems the perfect time to say a few words about one of America's favorite indestructable homicidal maniacs, Jason Voorhees. Sure, last year marked the franchise's 25th anniversary(!), but this is...um... spookier. More seasonally appropriate, if you will. Besides, hockey season just started.


Here are some fun facts:

1. If you count Freddy Vs. Jason, and you should, there have been eleven F13 films.

2. Jason's trademark hockey mask has been the primary design element in the official movie posters since chapter IV (the now-ironically subtitled The Final Chapter).

3. Jason is NOT the killer in two of the films. As everyone knows (or at least everyone who's seen Scream), his mother was the killer in the original film. But after his "death" at the hands of a bald and disgruntled Corey Feldman in Chapter IV, Jason remained buried for one entire film. In Chapter V, A New Beginning, the mask is actually worn by an unhinged and deeply pissed off ambulance driver named Roy. Needless to say, it's the worst installment.

4. The original film (which was made for some $700,000) continued to reign as the highest-grossing installment ($39,754,601 in box office receipts) until it was dethroned in 2003 by Freddy Vs. Jason, which ended up with a worldwide gross of $114,190,748.

5. Eight different actors have played Jason, but Kane Hodder, who donned the mask in chapters VII-X, is considered by most to be the definitive goalie from hell. Hodder is also the only actor to reprise the role. A dude named Warrington Gillette played Jason in Chapter II. That's just an awesome name.

6. Notable F13 cast members include Kevin Bacon (I), Corey Feldman (IV, V), Crispin Glover (IV), Erin Grey (of Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons fame) (IX), Destiny's Child's Kelly Rowland (Freddy Vs. Jason), and, shockingly, genius director David Cronenberg (X).


See? Weren't those facts fun?

Not that you asked, but my personal favorite is definitely Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. Other fine additions to the F13 canon include Friday the 13th (duh), Friday the 13th Part 3 (in 3-D!!), Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (probably the second-best), Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, and the surprisingly entertaining Freddy vs. Jason.

So do yourself a favor and visit Camp Crystal Lake this Halloween season. Michael Myers tends to hog the spotlight during this time of year, so share the mass-murderer love on this special day.

The Monday Mixtape

Sure, he brought disease and degradation to the indigenous people of the New World, but you have to love ol' Chris Columbus when you get a three-day weekend out of his exploits. And every New Yorker named Sal or Tony gets a parade to boot! Besides, he did a great job directing Home Alone and Adventures in Babysitting.

Anyway, another new tradition is born today. The *bitter defeat* Monday Mixtape! Why? Wrong question, dear friend. The right question is, "Why the heck not?" In honor of the three-day weekend and New York's unseasonably beautiful weather, the mood of today's installment is "raucous." Enjoy. And if you're at work... take a quick rock-out break on the management!

Chromeo - "Mercury Tears"
Ghostface Killa - "Charlie Brown"
The Minutemen - "Joe McCarthy's Ghost"
? and the Mysterians - "96 Tears"
The Fall - "Mother Sister"
Sonic Youth - "Ca Plane Pour Moi" (Plastic Betrand cover)
The Coke Dares - "Acid Church Party"
Bad Brains - "Pay to Cum"
Babyshambles - "Arebours"
Pink Floyd - "Bike"
Deerhoof - "This Magnificent Bird Will Rise"
Gleaming Spires - "Are You Ready for the Sex Girls?"
Leonard Nimoy - "I Walk the Line" (Johnny Cash cover)
Billy Bragg - "The Milkman of Human Kindness"
Dramarama - "Anything Anything"

Rather than offer interesting notes and pithy insights on the above, I shall simply refer you to www.allmusic.com, where all your questions will be answered. Why all the laziness? Perhaps you weren't paying attention... THREE-DAY WEEKEND, BITCHES!

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space

Before the nerd levels spiral out of control, the management is proud to announce that *bitter defeat*, after crawling out of the primordial blog soup some two-and-one-half years ago, has finally developed opposable thumbs and started to walk upright. What this strained metaphor is trying to say is this: As an occasional music blog, *bitter defeat* has been way behind the times in terms of making mp3s readily available to visitors...until now. *bitter defeat* has graduated into the murky, semi-legal world of mp3 blogs. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

In that spirit, Sprites's "I Started a Blog Nobody Read" seems the perfect inaugural track. The title pretty much says it all.

Sprites - "I Started a Blog Nobody Read" [mp3]
[Buy it from Darla Records]

And now back to the nerd spiral...

Tomorrow night is the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica. That I should be excited about this comes as little surprise. I am a nerd. However, this will be the first time that I have ever curtailed my Friday-night drinking schedule in the name of sci-fi. The show is simply that good. In honor of aliens and spaceships and Frito-stained, breakfast-burrito-eating, still-living-with-mom nerds everywhere, the management presents... A SMALL SELECTION OF NERD-APPROPRIATE MUSIC:

Peter Schilling - "Major Tom" [mp3]

Mogwai - "New Paths to Helicon, Pt. 2" [mp3]

Tina Turner - "We Don't Need Another Hero" (From Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome) [mp3]
[Buy All the Best]

And in honor of the November 2 premiere of The OC (because, in addition to being a nerd, I am also apparently a teenaged girl)...

Phantom Planet - "California" [mp3]
[Buy Music from The OC Volume One]

So there you have it. It's a whole new game now, folks. The esotericism is about to fly off the chain around here. Get ready to right-click until your fingers fall off and you get carpal tunnel syndrome all the way up to your face.

Doug Martsch, Defensive Specialist

You think Ron Artest and Bruce Bowen are tough defenders? Well hippied-out Built to Spill frontman (and journeyman small forward) Doug Martsch will deny you the lane again and again if you dare step to him one-on-one. Just try playing Built to Spill Jams. Doug also blew my mind last night at Brooklyn's finest rock venue/pierogi restaurant, Warsaw. Between the early-autumn head cold and the Zywiec, my brain was putty in his Fender-bending hands. (Thanks to Kim T.A.G. for keeping me semi-conscious.) A bit of preaching-to-the-choir liberal self-righteousness aside, the show was fantastic. Space-freak guitar solos abounded, and set-closer "Carry the Zero" nearly brought the house down. Other highlights included a continuous slide show featuring cute and bizarre art (including a lot of stuff by You in Reverse cover artist Mike Scheer... Not Maurice fucking Sendak, stupid guy standing next to us); a kickass version of "Goin' Against Your Mind," and a feedback-drenched, face-melting "Randy Described Eternity" encore... which, admittedly, I couldn't make it all the way through. We could still hear the geetars squawkin' behind us as we walked on home.

Anyway, Mike nabbed a bunch of good pix, and they're up at his AOL Indie Music Blog post.

Speaking of beer-induced fugue states, this is potentially disastrous news. Dedicated beer drinkers may be forced to resort to THIS:


Finally, ASTRO-BOY is a man-whore!! [Thanks Caleb]

You Snooze, You Lose

I was going to tell you all about Friday night's Sufjan Stevens show at Town Hall. But Stereogum beat me to it. I got nuthin'.

Built to Spill tomorrow night (and Thursday night). Maybe I'll, like, take some pictures or something. Or not. Maybe something other than concert reviews will reappear on this site. Or not.

Got Live If You Want It!

[Image courtesy of Kim The Awesome Girlfriend]

So...many...stupid..."having a ball" jokes. Can't...concentrate.

Yep, that's Wayne Coyne crowd-walking inside a big transparent ball. Sunday night's Flaming Lips show at Hammerstein Ballroom was easily in the top ten shows I've ever seen. (Yes, I admit it. It was my first time.) Singing nun puppets, superheroes, Santa Claus vs. The Martians dressup, LOTS of balloons, EVEN MORE confetti, and an amazing crowd-participation moment with thousands of laser-pointers. Well...here... Just take a look for yourself:

[Kim again!]

And here's the laser-pointer thing:

[Stolen photo from Flickr... no idea who took it]

The Raconteurs at Roseland, Tuesday, 9/26. No pictures, but believe me when I tell you that they put on one hell of a show. Jack White can good-old-fashioned shred on that there gee-tar! We missed the first three songs, thanks to a semi-retarded acquaintance giving us shitty set-time intel. Nonetheless, it was teriffic. Highlight was the sweet Brendan Benson cover of Bowie's "It Ain't Easy." (The Modern Age has pictures from the previous night's show.)

Tonight is Clap Your Hands Say Yeah in Central Park. Tomorrow night is Sufjan Stevens at Town Hall. Hell, I even came this close to seeing Jet Wednesday night, but it fell through. Needless to say, concert updates and, hopefully, more pix to follow soon.

And yes, I like Jet. They're fun. Shut up!

If Loving This Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right

I don't even have words.

[Thanks Aimee. Holy Shit.]

Tarzan no use article. No need conjunction. Tarzan use noun, verb!

What does your Netflix queue say about you and your friends? According to this Slate article, the picks at the bottom reflect the person you want to be, while your top selections reflect who you are. Given the fact that my top ten includes season 2.5 of Battlestar Galactica, Bloodrayne, and Silent Hill, I am apparently a trenchcoat-wearing Marilyn Manson fan who's mere days from a school-cafeteria shooting spree. But I really want to be a pretentious ass who watches lots of foreign flicks! So I'm screwed either way, really.

The Gawker media empire has launched it's new music blog, Idolator. Meh. Whatever. Big opening manifesto, no subsequent excitement. The Sound of Young America, on the other hand, is great. Go to the archive and download interviews with everyone from Fred Armisen and Patton Oswalt to Eddie Argos of Art Brut and Chuck Klosterman. Good stuff all.

Alright... it's been a while, but now it's time for...

ANDY KEATON'S INTERMITTENTLY OCCURRING FRIDAY VIDEO CORNER


First, a question... Whatever happened to Drink of the Week?? That was my favorite video show of all.

It's remarkable what you can find when you search for a single word on YouTube. Take "Tarzan" for example. You'll find, among other stuff, two seemingly unrelated clips featuring attractive (underage) girls lip-synching to a cheesy/bizarre first-person Tarzan-and-Jane club track. Like this. And this. I don't get it.

This clip has to be seen to be believed. [Thanks Gaël!]

Check out the Yeah Yeah Yeahs acoustic AOL Interface session.

Finally, the most insane clip of the month. Star Trek slash-fic video!

That oughta keep you going for the weekend. Adios, muchachos.

Lee Corso Has a Baby's Arm

Did anyone else see the "Lee Corso Has a Baby's Arm" sign behind the announcers during ABC's Saturday-night coverage of the Texas v. Ohio State game? Anyone?? Despite a disappointing game, the following hilarity made the three hours well worth it:

1. "Lee Corso Has a Baby's Arm"
2. Inuits use whale penises as sleeping bags
3. What if dogs could talk, but all they could say was "Fuck those Minnesota pussies?"
4. Queensryche's Operation Mindcrime

Thursday night: Onion Comedy Series w/ Eugene Mirman, Michael Showalter, et al. @ Joe's Pub. Let's put it this way... Kim The Awesome Girlfriend ended up onstage playing truth or dare with Eugene Mirman. Literally. She sang an aria about not wanting to have sex with a wolf. Eugene Mirman is a goddamn genius.
Friday night: Serena Maneesh @ Bowery Ballroom. Here's what I can tell you for sure: A tall blond chick plays bass. The singer had lots of scarves tied to his microphone, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't Steven Tyler. Other than that, it's all a blur of beer and feedback.
Last night (Monday): Band of Horses w/ Chad VanGaalen and Fred Armisen @ Bowery Ballroom. I have now seen this band three times, and I can safely say the following: 1. They are charming, self-effacing, and an absolutely great live band. 2. Their fan base seems to consist primarily of absolute douchebags. Seriously, WTF? A room full of drunk, obnoxious assholes, but not in a fun, Guided-By-Voices-show kinda way. More of a room-full-of-sophomore-frat-guys-and-their-irritating-girlfriends kinda way. Anyway, the show was so good it didn't matter. Fred Armisen stepped in to play some impressive stand-up percussion on a couple of songs. No Fericito, though.

**TWO *bitter defeat* APPEALS**

1. The Selfish Appeal
Purchase Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists. Why? Because I have a list published in there and I want the damn thing to sell like hotcakes, that's why!

2. The Selfless Appeal
Please log in to Advertising Week's Advertising Icon Poll and vote for my good friend Twinkie the Kid. In addition to the rodeo stuff and providing us all with delicious and well-preserved spongecake with cream filling, he guards my apartment when I'm not at home. I think he deserves a place on the Madison Avenue Advertising Walk of Fame, don't you? Please show your support. And don't be tempted to vote for the Keebler Elves. I know they seem nice, but let's just say they spend a lot of time hanging out with Gary Glitter in Southeast Asia.

Postus Interruptus

So Nicaragua was, like, totally wicked awesome. The picture above sums it up nicely. I shant bore you with details, but suffice it to say there's a decent chance this site will soon be published from Central America on a permanent basis.

Anyway, I don't have time to finish this post. Stay tuned next week for the tale of Kim The Awesome Girlfriend onstage with Eugene Mirman at last night's Onion Comedy Showcase in "I Don't Want to Fuck a Wolf" (or, "No Qiero Chingar un Lobo"); a full report on tonight's Serena Maneesh show; and musings about this weekend's many awesome sporting events (Liverpool match tomorrow, followed by Texas v. Ohio State game; and then the "Manning Bowl" at Giants Stadium on Sunday... and I have tickets!).

Have a fantastic weekend.

Adios, Muchachos!

First off, all apologies for the scattershot posting schedule of late. Hey, it's summer. Travel. Excitement. You know how we do it.

Let me make it up to you with a gift:

Old Man Bites Tenderly (It's long, so if you get impatient, skip to the last 1:30 or so.)

Anyway, a brief weekend report is in order after a trip upstate to Skaneateles and a brief visit to nearby Syracuse for the New York State Fair. The Fair's catchphrase? "Just like you remember... and then some." Ohhhkaaaay. Much fun was had ($2.75 Labatt's Blue Light!!), and much fried food devoured. In fact, no one should attend the Fair without a) a cardiologist, or b) a portable defibrillator. Observe:


That's right... DEEP FRIED TWINKIES. Needless to say, strained waistbands were the norm. And then there was the Cuckoo Haus...


On Sunday The Walkmen played a free show at Brooklyn's McCarren Park Pool. It was quite probably the shittiest day of the summer, weatherwise, which ended up being a blessing. The hipster quotient, while formidable, was kept at a tolerable level by the rain. Asymmetrical haircuts react badly to water. Gray skies dulled the rampant irony. Also, it was possible to get really close to the stage, and the band's set, while brief, was fantastic. Note the dilapidated, Eastern-Bloc grimness of it all:


There is, however, a [very] bright side to this sudden spate of shitty summer weather: I'm leaving tonight for five days on the beach in Nicaragua. I will soon be riding sweet waves in San Juan del Sur, looking across the bay at Costa Rica. My immediate future consists of cold cerveza and hammocks. Eat shit, Tropical Depression Ernesto!

Talk atcha next week.